On Trust
There’s no nice way to panic. It’s a messy process, from hyperventilating to tears. I spent Friday making noises more appropriate to a rabid goose and copious amounts of tears and snot. As I inch closer to both initiation and working for the spirits full time, the little voice of my mind has gone from a persistent nag to screaming about the stability I’m giving up and my sanity. I’m fortunate that I don’t have to do this without being a damp mess, though at some point it’s just going to be more shit I do.
My waking life is full of lessons, and my dreams are full of messages, but the action has to be mine. I have to choose to resign as an engineer. I have to choose to start telling people what I hear, what I know about them. I have to choose to obey the voices I hear.
I almost lost my eyeballs for telling people what I can see when I was a kid. I almost lost my freedom for telling people what I can hear. I learned a long time ago that if I wanted to keep a job, I’d better not tell people what I notice.
The memories don’t actually matter. They’re just what my mind is yelling about.
The action I take is a matter of trust.
My best friend, who caught my Friday night hysterics (like a fucking saint), asked patient questions until I realized that I’ve been waiting for someone to definitively tell me that I was ready. Some human voice to announce that I was capable, that I was ready to do this, that truly, what I hear and see and know is real. I wanted someone to rubber stamp me, when the spirits have been working overtime on me, as their vote of confidence.
The thing is, there’s no amount of approval which is going to replace the lack of trust in my own judgement, and it’s my judgement that I have to rely on to do this. I have to rely on what I hear, what I know, what I see, and that it is right, what I need to do. No one can do that for me, and no one’s stamp of approval is going to ensure that I don’t have doubt or face other people’s doubt of my capacities.
Trust that the spirits will tell me, but trust that I can hear them.
It’s kind of what I’ve got to work with.
