I Was Expecting

Expectations really are like blinding yourself (and the theme of the last few days.)

I expected to know more before the initiation came up.

I expected to feel more ‘finished’ in terms of healing.

I expected to generally be better or smoother in terms of how people perceive me, and to feel more accomplished.

I expected someone to come by and give me paperwork or some sort of official recognition (in my defense, I’ve been in an office for the last few decades.)

I still have a few months, but as I examine the changes of the last few months, I begin to see the shape of what I’m going to be. Smooth is definitely not the adjective I’d use, but more importantly as I feel distressed by change, I start to rack up those expectations where I can see ‘em. And what I can see is that I’ve been ignoring some stuff.

I generally ignore anything floating around in my head that feels like self-aggrandizement: anything that feels like I’m being what I consider to be egotistical, self-centered, or just too… proud of myself. I’m fairly self-disciplined, but not wisely disciplined in the wild and woolly mess that is my mind.

This means I’ve been ignoring a few things that spring immediately to mind, now that I can see the expectation. The spirits think I can do it, and they don’t appear to need me to be a “better” person to get it done. They don’t need me to be nicer, more patient (yet), more smooth or socially deft. In fact, they’ve been peeling social graces off me, in part because those social graces are essentially lies I’m telling the people around me.

I’m not smooth. I’m not nice. I’m not socially deft. I got a big mouth and a quick temper. I say stupid shit on the regular, and I’m always orthogonal to whatever’s happening—just coming at it from the weirdest damn angles. I’m passionate about all sorts of weird shit.

And the spirits do not care. They’re promoting me to adult with all my ‘warts,’ expectations, and the remnants of my perfectionism, on display here.