Suffering for Power

I went back to the Dominican spiritual party this last weekend and had a short but extremely impactful conversation with St Michael. St Michael has come up several times in my life in consultation—the general gist of his comments are on how tough I am, which is a real compliment coming from him.

And yes. Yes, I fucking am.

This weekend’s comment was on the same theme, but is also a truism in vodou: you will suffer for the power you wield. To me, he said, you have suffered for the power you will wield.

This is a welcome confirmation coming from a bunch of people who don’t know me, as I near my next initiation.

I wish that maxim was written in fire, in the sky. You suffer both to free yourself from the entanglements which would bind you to a life of blind and rote repetition, and to enable you to understand the ramifications of wielding power. Suffering holds up a mirror that, if you aren’t trying to hide from it, will show you that you truly are not an island.

It helps keep you from being controlled by ambition, the ambition to have power. God save me from that trap.

Suffering is a blessing. You are free to treat it that way, learn from it, and leave it behind. You are also free to hide from it because it’s scary or cling to it because it’s familiar.

Up to you.

To quote my papa, I was abused growing up, and I was not abused. It was hell at the time, but that suffering, I can say, was a gift. I have suffered so that I can do the work of god more effectively. To paraphrase some long neglected scripture from my childhood, though I am not (and I cannot emphasize this enough) a Christian: I will lift up my eyes and behold, the fields are ripe and ready for the harvest.

There is no shortage of people to help, and there is a fierce joy in knowing that no moment of my life was wasted.